This one actually came from me...I was talking to my good friend, Krissy, and managed to blurt out, "I had a great day with the kids...until I got out of bed!" The delivery was excellent and when I was saying it I didn't really think of it that way.
Here's where this comment came from. I was in my room until about 11 this morning working on Primary stuff. The boys were in and out of the room, but I hadn't emerged at any point until 11. Then once I had taken care of lunch it was time to get some cleaning done...and the crap hit the fan! Holy Cow, I never realized how much my children argue with me and merely ignore anything I tell them to do. We have got to get this under control. I never would have even thought about talking to my mother the way my boys talk to me. I looked at Kaleb and said, "If I ever came even close to talking to your gramma that way grampa would have been beating me so bad!" (Side note...I never was beaten by my dad nor would he have ever beaten me, but Kaleb doesn't know that.) I would have had a stern talking to and plenty of time to think about what I had done...and I just really wasn't that kind of kid.
Here's my question...how far is too far when it comes to a child talking back? I know you are supposed to pick and choose your battles...is this one I should battle? It seems like a losing battle to me. The respect, or should I say lack of respect, is sickening to me. Not just from the boys to me, but from me to the boys. How far is too far when it comes to saying, "Because I said so," and "If you don't knock that look off your face, I'll knock it off for you." :) These boys really test the waters and push the buttons to get me going. I have been trying to let things roll off my back, but they seem to just keep pushing further and further. Dang, if I could only be a "perfect mother" (like they even exist). I was a perfect mother...until I had children. :)
I think I may have answered my own question...don't ignore it, send them to their room, calmly, and have them think about what they had done. And as soon as they came out they have to come apologize to me, or to William. I love the way my parents parented me...maybe I need to think about how they would have handled the situation more often. Don't over talk it. Don't intimidate them into being respectful (that will never work). I tend to over talk everything that happens. I think I need to re-read "Love and Logic". It's a great book, just another one I have a hard time implementing.
So, that’s what I have to say today. Thanks for letting me talk through my issues. Sometimes it’s just nice to get things out on paper so it all makes more sense. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why we’ve been told to keep a journal. Huh.
5 comments:
Hey girly, girl! I know I don't have much experience in the mothering thing, but I have seen many people benefit from Family Home Evening with the respect thing. It gives the family time to have responsibilities, and gives amazing teaching moments. It has made a big difference with the way the families work on a day to day (according to my several sources). Just thought I'd pass along that testimonial. Love ya always!!!
I agree with talking about it at FHE - good idea.
I have heard Dr. Laura say (I'm not a Dr. Laura disciple or anything, but she's not completely crazy on several issues, haha), that the dad should pull his kids aside and say something to the effect of, "I don't want to hear you EVER talking to my woman that way". Sounds kind of cave-man, but you get the idea. Don't know if Will has done something like that, but thought I'd throw that out there - especially since you have all boys, you could turn it into a respect-for-women issue and approach it that way, you know?
Luckily my kids are still young enough that I can usually nip the back-talk in the bud with a time out or something, but I still have LOTS of times when they just flat-out disobey. I'm trying to be better about following through - like if I ask them to do something and they ignore me because they're watching TV, I need to go over and turn the TV off and ask again, rather than yelling it over and over again from across the room.
I do a lot of "reverse psychology" with my kids, too, which also helps me not get so upset...for example, if I have a kid who keeps crying and whining for no good reason, I say, "Wow, you must be really tired to cry and whine so much. I guess you need to go take a nap for a while." Usually they get the point and knock it off, if not, they get a nap (or whatever it is), but knowing that its not a punishment, its cause and effect. Know what I mean? For yelling at me or talking back, it would be something like, "I will help you when you can ask nicely.", then I just walk away. If it continues, it becomes, "It sounds like you are out of control. You can go in your room until you can get a grip." I employ my special education behavior modification techniques to turn it back to them (who said Moms never use their education??!), haha. I can't say I always do this...just when I feel good, am not tired and haven't had anything go seriously wrong that day!!...but putting it back on them in such a way that you're giving them a choice to change their behavior (like YOU are choosing to act this way, so this is your consequence...if YOU choose to act differently, this is your new consequence), it really helps.
If you happen upon some other brilliant solution, though, I'd LOVE to hear it:) I just made a new job chart last night and I think we'll be introducing a token system this summer with it (thanks for the idea!)
Oh Alison....I have always thought of you as a perfect mother. A perfect mother is someone who is talented, caring, loving, nourishing, and is the shoulder or an ear for a child to turn to. YOu have all those qualities. You multi task way beyond me. YOU ARE talented in many ways as well. You beside, my mom, is the most caring, loving and nourishing mother a child could have. I always respected you as a mother, sister and a best friend. Here i am way years older than you yet i learn so much from you.
I love you Alison. Thanks for giving me the encouragement wtih Travis and his kids.......now i need to learn patience with his kids thats for sure.
bleh... you don't want any parenting tips from me...nate told me to "shutup" today and i put liquid soap in his mouth, and you know what he said..."well at least you made my mouth all clean" ugh he pushes buttons so far that it makes the other boys look at him like he's crazy, i try so hard not to blow up, but the harder i try the harder he tries to make me blow up...he then continued to smear pizza all over his homework just cause he was tired of me making him do his homework. *sigh* i'm tired and things just seem to get worse as the time goes on that jake's gone, but the reward system works great for ALL of my other kids, and nate sometimes too, when he feels like it. he usually gets so upset that his brothers are getting tokens and he's not that sometimes it motivates him to be nicer, but if you catch him in a wrong mood, watch out all hell is about to break loose. so when i read your post about the back talk i totally understand, how is it that one child can totally be one way and yet the other children are the complete opposite? i mean i'm the same mom to all of them?!
Vanessa,
You are an amazing mother. I'm going to be winging it on my own here, probably soon, for a while also. We'll have to keep each other sane with lots of communication. Sounds like we've got a lot of parenting techniques in common. :) Thank you for the candidness, I got a good laugh. Only because I understand so much of what you wrote. Button pushing is the worst. My boys seem to be calming themselves down when I don't feed into the tantrums and back talk. I just set them (try not to throw them) in their room and tell them they can come out when they calm down. If they come out before they are happy, they go back in. I have to physically pick them up most of the time...they are going to be too big for that soon! Good luck to you, just as I need a bit here, too. :)
To everyone else who took the time to comment...thank you for the tips...I'm working on some of them and really trying hard to keep my cool. Not saying the boys are a lot better, but my response is (usually) more calm and they don't get quite as out of hand. I'm sure there will be more posts about all this in the future.
Post a Comment